Blog of the Week: What ‘they’ don’t tell you

Blog_of_the_week_badgeBlog of the Week time again! Here we share some wonderful insights by Ojo’s World on some things that ‘they’ may have failed to tell you about having kids…

Sound familiar to anyone?

Thought so.

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Every one always tells you how wonderful it is to have children, and it is! *coughs* honest!!

In all seriousness, I can’t imagine my life without a houseful full of loud, annoying wonderful boys. They are crazy and funny, yet miserable and hard work! No two days are ever the same. Add to that the introduction of autism and the word of the day is…….unpredictable chaos.

That’s the good stuff. All those lovely pictures of the first smile, the first tooth. But what about all the crap that comes with it?? Hmmmm, you don’t find that in the baby books, so here’s my list of things they DON’T tell you:

1. Babies are boring. You feed them, they sleep. You clean them, they sleep. That’s it. The rest of the time you are sat, exhausted and drooling from the 2 hourly feeds.

Sleeping baby

2. Sleep when the baby sleeps, my ass. Every past parent will tell you to do this, every new parent will ignore it. I actually did it with my third, then he discovered he didn’t like sleep. So now I fit it in when I’m hanging out the washing, cooking dinner…..you get the picture.

exhausted_sleeping_couple

3. Bedtime routines don’t exist. You think they do………but that is just your child lulling you into a false sense of security.

4. Toddlers love shit, and they will find new and inventive places to hide it. For my child, granted, it’s a sensory issue. He once sat on my table (yes, the one we ate off!) with a table top pool game. Before I got there he’d filled most of the pockets with crap. I have a friend, who’s son hid some in a pillow case, no lie.

5. They don’t need you!! You think they do, you feed them, water them, give them love……….then you are quickly replaced by an action figure/blue train/talking pink pig. Get a good stock of magazines, they will ignore you until further sustenance is required.

6. Screen time monitoring is impossible. In our day……..blah blah blah. Guess what? Those days are gone! They need screens for homework as well as fun! (That one has actually been used on me).

7. No matter how much love and support you give them, they will still turn into miserable, know it all, you know nothing, teens. You will want to scream at them at least once a week. You will wonder where you went wrong. At these times, think back to your teenage years……….hmmmm, yes, you just recoiled in shock didn’t you.

Image: Netmums

8. Crafting/cooking with your child is not as joyous an occasion as TV makes it look. It’s messy……and who has to clean that up?? Many occasion I have ended up sat at the kitchen table, happily doodling away, only to realise I’m sat alone! As for cooking……ugh. If milk, eggs and flour, glued to your toddler, is your idea of fun….go for it. My advice, stick to packet mixes. It’s simple, fun and most of all quick, you can get it done before, said toddler, gets bored.

9. Your house will be wrecked. I have NO un-damaged doors in my house……not one. They have been written on, bumped into, slammed into , until they are nothing more than scrap, hanging from broken hinges. I could replace them, but they’ll probably get broken again. I (stupidly) put carpets down in my living room. They are now stained, by a potty training child. I want wooden (laminate) flooring back down, but that stuff is expensive! (All donations, pity payments, gratefully received)

housewife

10. Your life is not your own…….ever again. It’s not! I’m 40 (I know, I really don’t look it! PAH!), and I am still a giant pain in my mums ass. The only upside, is that one day you get to sit in their house, smugly looking on, as they go through this crap.

That’s my top 10 list of stuff ‘THEY’ don’t tell you. Who are THEY anyway?? Bet they don’t even have children.

And, if you still want children after this, good luck.

I’ll either see you in the coffee, or the alcohol section of the local supermarket..

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We’d love to know what you’d add to the list. Leave a comment below

About The Netmums Blog

The Netmums Blog brings you a behind the scenes look at Netmums, as well as some fabulous guest bloggers and an up to date look at what's new on our Parent Bloggers Network.
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16 Responses to Blog of the Week: What ‘they’ don’t tell you

  1. Ha! I should have had my kids younger so I could do the smug watching thing – mind you by then they will think I’m a rubbish mother and do it all differently! Totally get the damaged house thing. I used to have an immaculate very cool home. Now it’s just 4 walls that keep us dry, but look like a bomb went off inside!

  2. CatM says:

    Haha awesome and oh so true! 😀
    Sleep when baby sleeps is a great idea but hard to put into practice, once they go to sleep you have to fight the overwhelming urge to actually feed yourself for a change and shower. Especially if you had an exploding nappy that dripped down your jeans… Also love #1 as much as I love my son with all the “You feed them, they sleep. You clean them, they sleep. That’s it.” for the first months I was inclined to think my newborn had more in common with a hamster than me as a fully fledged adult human being.

  3. Hilarious post! Sleep while they sleep – the biggest con OF ALL TIME!

  4. Tam says:

    Lovely, I can identify with all 10 points. so pleased to DISCOVER I am not alone in having similar thoughts. uplifting!!
    Thanks Blogger

  5. Boo says:

    The giggles I needed to brighten up what has been a long day!!! Deff drink more alcohol now than before my monster was born but I love her 🙂 I can’t wait for her to go to bed so I can curl up on the sofa with my second favourite man Mr Rose and the tv.

  6. Gemma says:

    Saw my daughter eating something brown and mushy off the rug once, asked my partner if he’d given her a chocolate, NOPE, shat through her nappy and was licking it, I nearly threw up.
    A few more things:
    1: wiping green snot on you
    2: being punched, headbutted, bitten, scratched
    3. The constant tantrums!
    4, ALWAYS hungry no matter how much they’ve just inhaled
    5. Feeling like a bad mum no matter what you do
    6. Wanting constant attention when doing housework, when they have it they ignore you and go play.
    7. Sleep, how I miss you

    So nice to hear normal mums on here!

  7. Cat says:

    That being a working mum, is hard. Absolutely no one tells you that.

  8. Jean says:

    Loved this, made me really laugh. Some very spot on observations!

  9. pizza says:

    Well I would like to say thank you. As a heavily pregnant woman it seems all anyone at work wants to tell you is how terrible life will become. For once it would be nice to be nice to be told something good, well thanks for confirming all these terrible things like lack of sleep and the fact they won’t care whether your there or not will actually happen. As my hormones rage I couldn’t feel more sad about my situation, a time like this is one of unknowing what’s around the corner as well as fear of many things and I really believe it should be mandatory to be positive around people who are pregnant and around topics such as this. If you feel tired and your kitchen cupboards are dirty, so what. Keep it to yourself and don’t bring everyone down who is just about to enter parent hood.

    • CatM says:

      Oh don’t let it get you down, the fact we can laugh about the bad stuff is testament to how great the good stuff is the rest of the time. The rest of the time is an absolute blast. It was aimed at women who are already mums not mums to be, but pregnancy hormones do that to you, makes things out to be not as funny as it should. Don’t worry about it. And congrats. x

  10. Julie Staynes says:

    Just hit the ‘no thanks for all you’ve done for me’ teens…with looks that could kill me and an irrational fear of saying anything in case I get s*!£t levelled at me. Being in my house is becoming an ordeal to get through each evening instead of a relaxing haven of retreat from work etc…No-one prepared me for this carry on!!

  11. kerry says:

    great love it – but I think that the teen years now start when their 9-10yrs!!!!

  12. myra says:

    what a good one to read…..if you sleep while the baby is sleeping….unless you have a made I don’t see who is going to do the house chores!!!! Bedtime routine…you tell me, I have a 6 months old that is driving me crazy. She goes to bed after 1 am every day and up by 6 or 7. Definitely, my life is not my own anymore…..

  13. Patricia Weston Ashford says:

    Hurrah for ojos world. Iv bn following this blogger for sometime. Not only is she funny and honest shes also a great friend of mine. Well done honey xx oh and i also know the person whos son hide poo in a pillowcase. Her boyfriend was not amused pmsl

  14. Jo Newman says:

    My boys now aged 18 and 20 now away at uni. Costing us a fortune in accommodation fees. Still can’t afford to replace the 25 year old suite in the front room or redo the kitchen. Can’t even afford to replace the kitchen doors which have come off their hinges – they have been re-hung so many times there’s nowhere to put in the screws! There will not be any holidays away fro the foreseeable future either. And both their dad and myself are in full time employment! It never ends believe me!

  15. This made me laugh – all so true. See you in the alcohol section x

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