Blog of the Week: In the middle of the night….

Blog_of_the_week_badgeOur Blog of the Week this week comes from Mummy Daddy Me who takes a moment, in the middle of the night, to stop and appreciate all that she has.

It’s a great lesson for us all – turning a negative into a positive and ending up feeling blessed.

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It’s currently 1.04am and I am lying in the darkness of our bedroom, the only light coming from the screen of my phone which I am typing on.  This isn’t a normal evening, my husband is downstairs sleeping on the sofa and in his place I am snuggled up closely to a three year old little person.

I was having a bath earlier this evening when I heard Mads crying from her bedroom.  After a few minutes she stopped so I left her, assuming that she was whimpering in her sleep which occasionally she does.  When I went to kiss her goodnight I realised she had been sick.  Not just sick, but really sick – all over her toys, bed covers, chair and carpet.  We scooped her up, got her washed and put her in our bed while we attempted to sort out the carnage, which took nearly 45 minutes.

Mr E decided to sleep downstairs as we didn’t want to leave her and soon it was just myself and my big girl. She was sick once more, and we had to change our sheets as well, but soon we turned the light out and lay there together in the darkness.  She was excited to be in the bed with me, it very rarely happens as she is such a good sleeper.  Her sickness was forgotten, and she kept trying to chat.  She told me over and over again that ‘I was her best friend’ and she wriggled and fidgeted and pushed her body so far against mine that we couldn’t have got any closer.  It was like we were moulded together as one.

At one point I had my arm wrapped around her and I moved it away as I couldn’t get comfy.  A little voice piped up ‘Mummy’ and tapped my arm.  ‘Put your arm back, cuddle me’ she whispered, and gently moved my arm so it was back holding her tight.  I gave her a kiss and told her I loved her so much, and she put her little hands on my face and kissed me back hard on the lips.  Every now and again I thought she was asleep but then she would kiss me randomly again. Her way of showing affection.

She started to relax and lay there sucking her fingers and playing with my ear constantly, and eventually her breathing became slower and she fell asleep.  Myself meanwhile just cannot fall asleep, partly due to her continuely flicking my ear.

I am lying here in the dark, cuddling my first born daughter and I am crying.  Silent tears are falling down my cheeks and I am holding my girl even closer.  Breathing in every single bit of her, stroking her face and feeling her little chest rise and fall.  I can just about see her long eyelashes framing her face in the dark and she is definitely now asleep. It sounds strange but I have just so many emotions running through my head.

I’m not crying because I am sad or worried for her, it’s just a bug which will hopefully be forgotten about tomorrow.  I am crying for I feel privileged.  Privileged to be able to be the one who gets to look after this girl when she is poorly.  It’s such an honour to be the one she wants, the one she needs, and the one who at this moment can make it all better.

It’s these kind of moments, the ordinary motherhood moments that are supposed to be hard, that I actually find the sweetest.  It’s motherhood at it’s rawest, at it’s most powerful, and it’s actually a little bit addictive.  That feeling of being the one to fix things.

But yet the thing with motherhood is the sobering reality that you won’t always be able to fix it.  That one day cuddles from Mummy might not always make the situation better.  That we can’t always control everything.  It makes me sad to think one day she will be grown and I won’t be able to do this anymore.  To lie in the dark and feel like it is just us against the world.

madsandmummyjan14I have a tendency to over think and over analyse.  I constantly worry about the what if’s.  I fear the things I can’t control. I question myself a lot.  If I am doing it right.  If I am being a good mother.  There is such a stark contrast between the person I was then and the person I am now.  These little people have turned our world upside down.  They make me prouder, happier and more content than I ever have been before, yet they also make me more frustrated, contemplative and fearful.   They have taught me that ordinary moments are one’s to treasure, that material possessions aren’t always important and that the simple things are often the sweetest.

But the main thing they have taught me is to be thankful.  And as I lie here in the middle of the night stroking my poorly girl’s beautiful curls and feeling her little chest rise and fall, I am so thankful that I am the one who gets to be her Mummy.

To experience the good, the bad, the hard and the difficult times that inevitably come with motherhood.

To be able to experience this very special night with my daughter, sickness bug and all.

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18 Responses to Blog of the Week: In the middle of the night….

  1. What a wonderful, heartwarming post. It’s good to see the light with the dark! Thank you for sharing such intimacy X

  2. chan says:

    That brought a tear to my eye! so lovely! xx

  3. Mumaleary says:

    Absolutely true and utterly beautiful.
    Hoping for a speedy recovery. X

  4. Absolutely beautiful post which made me cry. I often cuddle my little girl in the darkness when she’s asleep and think how fortunate I am to be a mummy to such a wonderful human being, as she snores softly. Thank you so much for sharing. Truly gorgeous. x

  5. This is so beautifully written, thank you so much for sharing! It really is such a blessing and a privilege to be a parent.

    kirstyandseth.blogspot.com

  6. Mum says:

    Gills, that was the most heart-moving account of what makes you and Becky special. xxxxx Mum

  7. Natasha says:

    Loved this! Touching and 100% the most wonderful experience that us mother;s can share.

  8. Rachel Horne says:

    It’s absolutely true. I remember when my son was born crying because one day he would get old. Very raw!

  9. Carly says:

    This is beautiful.. I was thinking much the same thing the other night, and you have put my feelings into words. x

  10. Zebra says:

    Read this while in bed cuddling my 5 week old daughter, trying to soothe her back to sleep after her 1 am feed. As I got to the 2nd paragraph she promptly threw up all her milk over both of us. This story felt as though it could have been me that wrote it and like the author I lay in the dark crying as I read it. It’s good to know my feelings and worries are shared with other moms.

  11. Steph says:

    This made me cry 😥 So beautiful

  12. Laura Hopes says:

    “Myself meanwhile just cannot fall asleep, partly due to her continuely flicking my ear.”

    i laughed so much at that!

  13. Kylie says:

    Well thank you for the lovely reminder that being a parent is such an important role. We are in our children’s eyes their whole world. X

  14. Rachel says:

    That was absolutely beautiful to read! Great feeling being a mummy :))

  15. Happy Days Nutrition says:

    How beautiful. I often feel the same, and never feel more like a mother than when one of my beautiful girls needs me. I just hope that I will always be the one they turn to for cuddles and comfort.

  16. Clarissa says:

    Very well written and wonderful expression of child and mother relation. Loved reading it.

  17. Linda says:

    I thought this was such a lovely story…my kids are stroppy teenagers now and I seem to spend a lot of time waiting for the day they decide to leave home!! Just last weekend I found some toddler pictures and it made me proud to have been with them as they grew into lovely (stroppy) young adults….but I do miss those chubby cheeked toddlers!!!

  18. Lauren says:

    Absolutely beautiful.

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