Blog of the Week: A traumatic event

Blog_of_the_week_badgeWe’re back with Netmums Blog of the Week and this one comes with a warning!

Here Molly from Mother’s Always Right shares a very traumatic event with us. You may not want to read this one over breakfast…

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Something truly disgusting happened to me today. It was so disgusting I didn’t even share it ANYWHERE on social media. As far as I was concerned there was a Facebook blackout.

sofaBut then I rang my husband. The (self-proclaimed) Northern Love Machine calmly listened to my tears and snivelling retching down the phone and then proceeded to laugh so loudly I felt even more sick. As I type this he is threatening to out me on Facebook so I feel I need to share before he gets the opportunity. At least it’ll be my side of the story…

It was around 12.30pm. I was harrassed. I had just been cleaning the bathroom (I predict my domestic goddess status will last around 3 weeks in our new house). Downstairs, while cajoling my three year old into a pair of socks, I noticed a brown mark on the arm of our sofa. You know where this is going don’t you?

The cleaning products were upstairs. The huge array of chocolate in the house led me to (obviously) suspect that the mark was the remnants of Frog’s chocolate coin greedily consumed earlier that day.

I licked my finger and rubbed at it, confident enough in my motherly domestic goddess pouring chocolatehunch that it was sticky Cadburys I was rubbing at. It didn’t come off as easily as expected.

I licked my finger again, noting that the chocolate was probably a few days old because it didn’t taste “fresh”. I rubbed again. It faded a little, but was proving stubborn.

The third lick was accompanied with a stifled giggle from my three year old. “Mummy, why you licking my poo?”

“Don’t be silly darling. It’s not poo. It’s chocolate. Why on earth would there be poo on the sofa?” I laughed nervously. Leaning forward I took a big sniff.

It wasn’t chocolate.

“I had poo on my bum when I did sit on the sofa this morning Mummy”.

Oh.

“You didn’t wipe my bum properly Mummy. YOU ATE POO!!”

The little sod wasn’t wrong. Not only had I licked it. I had licked it, rubbed it, sniffed it and then licked it some more.

Vomiting followed. It seems my body had a violent reaction to the idea of consuming human faeces. It didn’t sit well on the stomach.

I vowed there and then to only tell two people about my misfortune. My sister laughed and my husband has been singing Scat Man at me all evening. In a fit of melodrama I just rang my mother.

“Mum, something awful happened today and I need your support!”

“What darling? Oh, are you talking about Yum Yum Gate? Remind me not to bring chocolate round next time I come to visit.”

Thanks sis.

So I sent a text to my friend, confident I would get the sympathy I deserved from him. It was not forthcoming:

I ate poo

My name is Molly and today, I ate poo. There, I said it. Get the poo jokes out of the way while you can. I can hide it no longer.

And while you’re at it, please tell me there are more disgusting things to befall you since parenthood? I need someone to make me feel better.

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Anyone got any funny parenting tales to make Molly feel better?

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20 Responses to Blog of the Week: A traumatic event

  1. KentMum says:

    I loved your honest blog, I did nearly blurt me tea across the keyboard and screen though! The horrible things us mums have to endure is endless, I am sure we did not sign up for this when we became pregnant x

  2. DannyUK says:

    That is absolutely disgusting! But also very funny. I always tell my non-parenting friends that a sure fire way to stop biting your nails is when you start changing nappies and the poo gets under your fingernails, but it’s never occurred to me that it’d be on a sofa!

  3. haylz says:

    All brown stains must be sniffed first, its rule number one!!

    I lolled so hard and I’m sat in the school playground with everyone looking at me!

  4. Michele says:

    Thank you for cheering me up, your misfortune did make me laugh so much…sorry!

  5. Expat Mammy says:

    I read this when she first posted and still its making me laugh

  6. Bal says:

    lesson of the day :It is wise to learn something from the dogs. Sniff first before you try to eat anything or lick anything especially in a house with small kids in it.

  7. This made me laugh lots not to self I’ll always wipe marks with a baby wipe if cleaning products are unavailable

  8. Ok…be consoled somewhat.

    You.

    Are.

    Not.

    Alone!

    However, it’s not me that joins you in your poo munching escapades, but my 11 year old son did something very similar with his sister’s plop smears, again, thinking it was chocolate. That is a story to be told at birthdays, his stag do, his wedding and whenever any of us like…Amy Snacks are offered to him quite frequently whenever his sister feels like teasing him.

    You won’t ever live it down I’m afraid and you might develop an OCD for checking your breath doesn’t stink and brushing your teeth, but it’s ok, you’ll be alright.

  9. Charlotte says:

    My name is Charlotte, and I have also eaten poo. And Sick, and snot!! Usually harassed and cleaning kids up after meals/changing a nappy see something on your hand, assume its food, lick it off and No it’s something else! My lo also vomited straight into my mouth, both of my children have sneezed/wiped thick green snot directly into my mouth. Yes parenthood is a real joy!! :))))

  10. Hahahahaha this is brilliant!
    I have a newborn and my husband lovingly brought me egg on toast in bed yesterday. When I got up I had a bright yellow something on my fingers. I immediately realised it could be a) newborn poo or b) egg yolk. I was so tired I didn’t even care and licked it off anyway. Luckily for me this time it was egg, but this story will make me think before I lick next time! 🙂

  11. 365woman says:

    LOL!!! would love to repost this on my blog! Thankfully you only had a teeny weeny “taste” lol

  12. Cy says:

    I so sorry to laugh, but you must admit looking back at it, this is so funny, but I suppose not if is has happened to you

  13. Kelly says:

    Absolutley hilarious! love your honesty. x

  14. Anita says:

    On my DD1 second Christmas she was 19 months & was potty training, her cousin 4 at the time who was round ate some chocolate off the floor…….. No not chocolate, DD had done a little poop aaarrrgh consoled my poor niece but then the silly moo did the same thing again !

  15. Bebe says:

    Projectile vomit in your mouth isn’t much fun either, you are not alone!!

  16. Laura says:

    Brown stains and yellow snow…don’t eat! Dems the rules! Lol xx

  17. becky says:

    Aww poor you, I sympathise sound like something I would do, fortunately for me never have. Will double check chocolate stains from now on though, Thank you!

  18. val says:

    golden rule, sniff before you lick

  19. Linda says:

    Priceless!!! I let my little boy have some ‘nappy off’ time once and when he appeared from behind the chair he had chocolate round his mouth……..I spent ages trying to work out where the chocolate had come from??? Queue much retching and crucially, hilarious tales to tell his first girlfriend!!!

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