Blog of the Week – Road to Hell

Blog_of_the_week_badgeAs the summer break has now begun for everyone, there will be many a family piling the kids into the car (stuffed in among bags, lilos, teddies and the kitchen sink) and heading off on a car journey that marks the start of the summer holiday. In today’s Blog of the Week Cath from The Kraken Wakes describes the horror that is her family car journey. Read it and if you still plan on driving with the kids this summer – you have been warned!

(By the way – there’s a lot of sweary words so if you are easily offended look away now!)

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Thank you for asking and yes, I did have a rather fabulous time at the seaside last week. I road to hellslathered my tentacles in Ambre Solaire’s factor cardigan, drank the vinegar that pooled at the bottom of my chip cones and managed to get sand so far up my conjugal crack that it is now acting as a contraceptive by silting up my uterus. In all, it was a joy. Except for one teeny, tiny thing: the car journeys in either direction while in the company of Kraken Junior. So in case you too are thinking of bundling your progeny into a car and driving them across the country, here’s why you should instead take a knife to your own throat:

The questions: don’t know about your spawn but mine starts asking whether we are there yet before we’ve even taken our pre-journey piss. It’s as if by packing a suitcase we’ve actually inverted the laws of physics, teleporting ourselves to our destination by the counting out of our week’s knicker supply alone. Worse, this comes after our obligatory The Talk where we explain to her that if she isn’t patient mummy will throw herself from the car in a hail of maps and Maltesers.

The music: until I birthed Kraken Junior my travel music of choice involved the words Pete Tong, Chase and Status and “Yes, occifer, I do realise that while I was doing the big fish, little-fish, cardboard-box routine my hands weren’t on the steering wheel”. Now, my travel music consists of a Disney film compilation and endless repeats of the dead-eyed Jesse bloody J while my ears employ my fingers as plungers. No wonder the Iraqis use music to torture dissenters. One warble from Snow White and I’d fu*@ing well crumple like a traitorous zebra too.

The sickness: otherwise known as the bran-tub of chunder, because we never know what we’ll get or when it’ll strike. Kraken Junior’s ubiquitous “My belly hurts!” can be uttered either hours into a road trip or in a fleeting dash to a petrol station and can be cured with anything from a fistful of Haribo to her chucking so copiously that her produce actually splatters through the head rest in front of her, leaving a square of vomit on the back of my head. It’s a bit like It’s a Knockout except with gobbets of puke rather than watery sponges and far fewer perverts.

The games: I have no idea who created I Spy but I’d like to tie the f*%@er to the back bumper of my car and drag him over shards of frozen piss. Nothing makes me want to weep more uncontrollably than Kraken Junior pointing at a lorry, shouting “Something beginning with L!” and then proclaiming that the answer is “Cornflakes!”. And I could say the same for every other in-car game that doesn’t involve her having gin rubbed on her gums so that she sleeps for the rest of the journey.

The snacks: you know how, when you take sweets on a car journey, they are to stave off hunger/ break up the boredom/ bribe passengers into shutting the f*%k up? Well when Kraken Junior is in the car it’s her opportunity to stare at the odometer and, after every mile travelled, demand a mashmallow. She’s like a unit of measurement parading as a small child on a starvation diet.

car journeyThe boredom: exactly how entertained do kids expect to be when they are trapped in a Fiat Punto and hurtling towards the coast? In an effort to stop journeys with Kraken Junior feeling marginally less agonising than having our toes nibbled by trolls we have sung songs, invented stories, played spot-the-lorry and spaffed such statements as “No really! Thunder is the sound of Santa taking a sh*t!”.  We even, once, strapped some viewing device to the back of my seat so that she could watch two solid hours of Peppa Pig which resulted in her vomiting so copiously that Daddy Pig had a Jimi Hendrix choking fit.

The predictability: I sh*t you not, there have been times when I have stood beside the suitcase-crammed car and opened a mental book on which one of the above fates will befall us first. It’s the only element of excitement I can muster, given that the next few hours will be a rotation of sweet-throwin’, game guessin’, music-warblin’ and vom-wipin’. If I didn’t need a holiday before the journey I as sure as sh*t need one by the time we arrive. So yes, in answer to your question, I did have a good holiday. Just don’t ask me about how in the f@*k we got there.

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Follow more of Cath’s adventures on her brilliant blog The Kraken Wakes.summer

Read our holiday guide over on Netmums for some top tips for traveling with children to make sure your family car journey is a road to paradise and not hell.

You might also like:

Help your kids get the best out of their holiday

General tips for stress free holidays

Have a lovely summer holiday everyone.

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This entry was posted in Blog of the Week, bloggers, Holidays, Mums, Summer, Summer Holidays and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Blog of the Week – Road to Hell

  1. Louise Bostokc says:

    Fantastic blog really made me giggle

  2. Hayley says:

    Sounds like a normal car journey for me can’t go down the road till my seven year old is sick

  3. So glad you have a lovely time once you get there! My eldest vomits. I almost strap a bucket to him. It must contain a carrier bag and kitchen roll. Vomit goes in. Bag goes in next available bin. Carry copious spares of both. Changed my life. Hope it changes your journeys! Great post btw. I feel your pain (but not the sand up the wotsit bit) 😉

  4. mandy says:

    Very funny blog!!! Heading off on a long car journey this weekend and expecting all of this!!! Yay- just packing lots of wine for when i arrive!!!

  5. Leanne says:

    Brilliant post that leaves me feeling compelled to share my journey home from the Lake District on Saturday with our 2 year old and 4 year old. Our 2 year old systematically threw every toy in her reach on the floor then the 6 dummies we had put in her car seat… then screamed for one or the other for most of the journey home. Every time we turned round and tried to work out what it was she wanted and duly handed it over, it was thrown again. She must have whinged for 5 out of the 6 hour journey back to Essex…. the hour she was quiet was because she was asleep. The 4 year old was a breeze in comparison, just wanting a new film on every time the DVD finished. But yes, like you, and after everything i have said… we had a lovely holiday! 🙂

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