Blog of the Week – Co-sleeping and SIDS

Blog of the WeekIt’s Wednesday which means Blog of the Week time on Netmums – every week we scour the Netmums Parent Blogger Network for a post that catches our eye. This week we’ve selected a heart-breaking post from Jenny at Edspire. She describes her post as “an explosion from the heart from a sad and grieving mother” who has seen the press coverage about the latest research about Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.  Jenny sadly lost her 9 month old daughter Matilda Mae in February. 

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Co-sleeping and SIDS

Last night for no known reason I felt overwhelmingly sad and anxious.

I was sat alone and crying and I could not control my breathing.

Grief manifests itself in many different ways.

Last night mine got the better of me.

Often when I have had a bad night I wake up and it is a new day.

New energy helps me to feel more positive and to at least make a good start to the day.

Today was not one of those days.

SIDS has been all over the news.

Messages about safe sleep.

For anyone who has not read this blog before, my daughter Matilda Mae, died almost four months ago.

Confirmed cause of death.

SIDS.

Sudden Infant Death.

She did not suffocate or overheat.

For some unknown reason her body just stopped working.

She was in her cot.

But Sudden Infant Death though relatively rare can strike anywhere.

Cot, crib, moses basket.

Car seat, buggy, pram or swing.

Mother’s arms.

And yes, in parents’ bed.

I have not watched the news today.

I have not yet read the reports or research in full.

When I have and when I do I will come back and blog with my head.

Today I am blogging with my heart.

Matilda Mae shared my bed.

She slept safely beside me.

She was in a gro bag beside me on the bed.

Her cot was next to our bed with the side down but that was mainly to stop her from falling out of the bed.

We changed this arrangement not long before she died.

We moved the cot away from our bed and put the sides up.

She was 9 months.

She could have been in a room of her own.

But she was not.

I planned to keep her with us for the first year just as we did with Esther and William.

Tilda was happiest when she slept with me.

She slept on her back beside and turned to feed whenever she wanted.

We slept together and when she was really unsettled she slept on me.

I think hearing and feeling my heartbeat helped to soother her and settle her to sleep.

I wish I had been with Tilda when she died.

I wish she were still alive.

Perhaps she would be if she had only ever slept on and with me.

I am a grieving mother.

I lost my baby to SIDS.

But she did not die in my bed and every day I will wonder, had she been there that night

And not alone in her cot

Would she be alive today?

And if I am ever lucky enough to have another baby

Unless it is proven to be dangerous

To ‘safely’ co-sleep

Then that new baby will be sleeping with me

Just as Tilda did for most nights of her life

But not that night.

Not that night.

This post is written by a sad and grieving mother on a whim, it is not based on any research, it is an explosion from my heart.

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Help and support from Netmums when coping with the loss of a child

Find out more about the news story in the Netmums coffeehouse.

If you decide to co-sleep find out more

If you have questions or concerns about co-sleeping get answers in the Netmums Sleep Clinic

About The Netmums Blog

The Netmums Blog brings you a behind the scenes look at Netmums, as well as some fabulous guest bloggers and an up to date look at what's new on our Parent Bloggers Network.
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29 Responses to Blog of the Week – Co-sleeping and SIDS

  1. JallieDaddy says:

    Moving post, as ever Jennie, from the heart. That research seems to me to raise more questions than it provides answers. It didn’t even seem to be able to give any reasons as to why there seemed to be this link. The truth is I think that we still just don’t know x

  2. I am so deeply sorry for your loss, still so new and raw. I am so glad you had that nine months of intense love sleeping together x

  3. Your post made me cry like a baby myself and I just cannot imagine what you are going through but I am just so sorry for you and the loss of your beautiful little girl. It will make me go and hug mine that little bit tighter now and think how lucky I am x

  4. Ang collins says:

    I’m so so sorry, it seems an empty thing to say, with the enormity of your loss, but it comes from my heart, and I send you and yours love ,. Xx

  5. Mandy says:

    What a lucky little girl to have a mummy who loved her so,so much and shared so many special cuddles, Jenny you did it all so right. Loads of love to you and your family xxxx

  6. susielw says:

    I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are going through and I think you must be so strong to be able to talk about it. She was a beautiful baby and spent her short nine months wrapped in love. I am so very sorry for your loss. Sending you and your family much love.xxx

  7. Emma says:

    So so sorry for your sad loss, I wish life did not deal such heartbreaking blows, your daughter was so beautiful and I hope your memories will give you comfort and strength

  8. Eeh Bah Mum says:

    I thought of you today when i heard the news. There are no words. xxxxxx

  9. Nathalie Lees says:

    My little boy was 9 months when he died 10 years ago, and reading your poem I am crying as if it was only yesterday. A big hug from another grieving mother. X

  10. Sarah says:

    I feel like I could touch your pain it is so raw and so real, and I want to hug you as though it might help somehow. I am so, so sorry for your loss as one mummy to another, and wish you much love and strength for such a long and sad path. xxx

  11. Claire says:

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I think that as with most things, mummy really does know best. My wee one has slept with my most nights too x

  12. Claire says:

    Bless the little one. I will never understand why if there is a god why he picks the ones he does to be angels. Nine months is hard to accept as at that age you beleive everything willbe ok. Im sure am sure she willbe with you andyour family gaurding you for ever. A little bright star in the sky xx

  13. Tracy Middleton says:

    My first two babies slept alone, but my third slept with me almost every night. She was the most contented of the three. Your dear little girl had 9 close and loving months with you and there was nothing you could have done to have prevented this terrible tragedy. Be brave my love, my heart goes out to you. X

  14. Angela brennan says:

    So so sorry for your loss. Loosing a child is such a terrible thing. I wish enough was known about SIDS to stop it happening. God bless you and keep strong for your other little ones xxx

  15. I really wish I could do something about the loss of your baby and the explosion from your heart – I’m so, so sorry not to be able to. Bless you all and for being so brave to talk about it the way you do. xxx

  16. helen says:

    jenny, there are no words to describe what you and your family must have and be going through. Your blog has pulled at my heart and choked me. You are a remarkable mummy. love to you all x sleep well baby matilda xx

  17. rachael rees- jones says:

    I read your blog. It made me cry. Im a new mum and i am absolutely in love with my son but i will hold him that little bit closer tonight. I cant imagine the pain you must feel but i can tell the love you have for your child, which will never disapear and that makes you a fantastic mother. Take care, i wish you all the very best x

  18. Michelle says:

    Sorry seems like such an empty word. No idea what you have/are going through.
    Sending love your way xx

  19. Christine says:

    Oh, Jenny, what aching sadness I feel after reading this. I send you peace and comfort from my heart to yours.

  20. Carly says:

    I cant begin to imagine how you must feel. I’m sat here with tears in my eyes and an immense feeling of sadness in my heart. Your daughter was a special little girl and very fortunate to have spent her short life with such an amazing mum. Sleep well baby Matilda. x

  21. My baby is 8months going on 9 next month. We have been co-sleeping with her since she was born. We were thinking of putting her in a cot next month. I have been very anxious about the whole thing…. Your story has made me n my husband re-think. My heart is broken into a thousand pieces hearing your story. I wish there was something I could do to make the pain go away. I believe it will take a long time if not forever to go away. You are an amazing strong woman to be able to to share your story and your children are blessed to have such an amazing mum. May baby Tilda rest i peace. Sending lots of love in your direction. X

  22. debbie ling says:

    like you I lost my son to SIDS (cot death) he was 6 weeks old….. he was asleep on me as like you said your little angel seemed to be soothed and at ease in the arms of you, this is the same with my little boy. Me myself really don,t know what to think about all the hype in the media, it seems it can happen to any infant where ever they sleep! mylittle boy just had his 18th birthday and not a day passes without me thinking of him. all I can say is the pain does get easier. my sincere thoughts are with you and your family. god bless you. p.s your little girl is now a real angel xx

  23. Caroline says:

    So sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you and your special daughter Tilda. You did everything you could what a loving mother. God bless you.

  24. karen read says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for writing so eloquently about your feelings.

  25. Lynda Regan says:

    What you have had to go through is unimaginable! The very though is the most terrifying dread that every loving parent worries about from time to time.. I just can’t understand how you feel having lost your baby in this way… My three slept in my bed a lot of the time… Guide lines are all well and good.. But it’s up to individuals what they do.. My thoughts are with you and your family.. No-one should have to suffer such a heartbreaking lose.. Stay strong for yourself and your family.. She will always be your baby in your heart…

  26. nafisa says:

    My baby sleep as your did, close to me most of the time on his back. I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is with you.x Nafisa

  27. cherry says:

    So sad but very brave of you to share your experience. I co-sleep with my babies but am always too ashamed to say so in public as its not the done thing. When a news report comes out like this it makes me doubt myself but I am a responsible parent who does not smoke/drink. And yes I have been told loads of time that tiredness can do harm too. But my older brother lost his first born to SIDS and she was in a cot. I was 15 at the time and going through the grief with his family has stayed with me until I was 32 and lucky enough to have my first baby. My sister in law had always and still does want to turn back time and been with Susan that morning when she passed away-Susan had woken up for her 4.30 am feed but when my sister in law went to rouse her later in the morning Susan had passed away. Everyone should do what feels right as a parent and not be judged. My hart goes out to you and you will be in my thoughts. Thank you for sharing your loss, you are so brave and Tilda was so blessed to have had you as her Mum. Tilda is looking down from heaven on you now and will always be with you.

  28. Sara-Jayne says:

    My babies sleep next to me in my bed, just like your precious Tilda. My heart breaks for you. I wish I could turn back the clock.

  29. Kylie says:

    So sorry that your little angel is not with you anymore xx
    You sound like a wonderful mother

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