Blog of the Week: Adopt and Keep Calm

Blog_of_the_week_badgeOur Blog of the Week this week comes from Adopt and Keep Calm who looks back at the transitioning of her soon to be adopted son into her family.

The post – ‘Transition…looking back’ gives us an insight into not only her own experience, but what it must have been like for the little boy that soon would call her Mummy.

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Bonzo toddled into my life when he was 2yrs 3mths old.holding hands

I had had time to think about, discuss, chew over, over think, and get on, move forward with my decision to adopt. It was my choice. He was also my choice.

Bonzo however, had no time to think, no understanding and no choice.

He had by the time I met him had more ‘homes’ than I have had in 40 years, and certainly more confusion.

Then one Friday afternoon several people came to what he thought was his home. The home where  he had lived with people who had loved him (I hope) for the previous 9 months. A couple of them he will of recognised, one of them was me, his new Mummy (who he won’t have recognised, I had seen him fleetingly months before). We sat and discussed when and how the following week would go.

The week of transition. For me, but mainly for him.

It was decided I only needed 5 days of intros. I had experience with children, knew how to change nappies and run a bath. What Bonzo needed didn’t seem to come into the chat. So, that Friday afternoon, around his foster carers dining table his immediate future was mapped out. It should’ve been minimum 7 days but the weekend was too busy for his foster carer to fit intros in, so 5 days it was.

This is roughly how it went

Mon – I arrive mid morning, a little boy with blonde hair and blue eyes opens the door (with his FC) and says ‘Hello Mummy’. I play with Bonzo, watch him eat his lunch and then go home as he heads for his nap. (something else I didn’t need to practice, so wasn’t in the intros agenda. I thought it was for the child’s sake, not mine, that I put him to bed?)

Tuesday – I arrive mid morning and we go to the park together. I take my first photo of him, followed by many more. I take him back to his FC and this time I am allowed to put a sandwich on his plate. I then go home and he goes for his nap. Late afternoon he comes to visit me in his ‘new home’. We have drinks & flapjack and after an hour or so he goes back with the FC.

Weds – Similar as Tuesday only I take him to the park on my own. And to the corner shop where we buy a football. It is nearly as big as him, but his smile is huge and we happily play in the park for an hour or so before I go home.

Thursday – FC brings him over to my flat and leaves him, comes and collects him just after lunch.

Friday – I go and collect him mid morningish and he stays all day at my house.

Saturday & Sunday – no visits. FC have a busy schedule on Saturday and Sunday is the ‘goodbye’ day.

homeMonday morning – 10am -this comparative stranger, who Bonzo knows as ‘Mummy’, turns up again. This time, he and a bin liner full of stuff are loaded into my car, and we are off.

Bonzo’s new life begins.

Now, how we expect a child, with no understanding of what is going on to cope with that beggars belief. At the time I didn’t think about it too much – I just got on doing what I had been told to do. When I look back now and see the sadness in his eyes it is hard to take in. Did he understand what was happening? Of course he didn’t. To him it was just another change in his hectic, muddled life. Did he complain. Not a bit.

Does it explain where his Insecure Attachment issues come from. I think so. Not just that transition, but the others he had gone through too. Some planned, some emergency – all too much change & upset for 1 little boy.

Bonzo has seen his Foster carer twice since. Once about 6 weeks later and once around a year later – I was keen to keep in touch. Now it it just Christmas news.

It is no wonder he thinks I am about to disappear, it is no wonder that he panics and behaves like a, well, like I don’t know what, when unknown people come to visit. He clearly thinks they are going to steal him away.

After all, in his innocent eyes, that is just what I did.

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This entry was posted in adoption, Adoption week, Blog of the Week, motherhood, Toddlers and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Blog of the Week: Adopt and Keep Calm

  1. Gosh, that’s really moving. Sorry to use that analogy when that’s the word he’s afraid of. He’s so lucky to have you though – someone so caring, thoughtful and considerate of his needs, no doubt he will adjust eventually and you will be a lovely, happy family. 🙂 I guess lots of reassurance only goes so far. Thinking of you.

  2. Charlotte says:

    Very well put our little man came to us at 2yrs 5months …I know so well the sad eyes which we only see in hindsight.

  3. Becky says:

    very sad story, glad he is with someone as caring as you for the rest of his life xxx

  4. Linda ALEXANDER says:

    As a foster mum who has moved children on to adopted families we have little or no say in where, who or how a child is moved on. In our council we are told that 5 days in enough time to move a child on that any longer and it is unfair on the child. We are not allowed to contact the adoptive parents we have to wait to be contacted. Our last little boy who we had from 10 weeks till he was three with no birth parent contact it was 6 months before we could see him for 1 hour. There has been no contact since just one accidental visit at the dentist, even though he lives in the next village. Recently have been informed that this little boy is very disruptive and bulling at school? this was a sweet child in my care who had lovely manners and a sweet nature. But the adoptees have given in too his every whim and have spoilt him and now he is unmanageable 😦
    I have just moved on another boy with behaviour issues to adoptees we were told this had to be a slow transition but head of services knew better 5 days they said. Luckly this parent knew this would not be good for this little boy and we have lots of contact until he is settled. Also this little boy was around when the other boy was adopted and were as good as brothers. He thought i would just dissapear from his life just as the other wee boy did. No one thinks about the other foster children left behind. Family bonds are formed and broken and just because they are not siblings their feelings are not taken into account. Sorry to rant.
    I am glad your little boy has found a good parent, and that you will look out for this wee ones emotions, all he needs it time and love which i am sure he receives in abundace

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