This weeks ‘Blog of the Week’ by SAHDandproud is a heavy-hitting serious post, but one that had such an impact on us we thought it should be shared. Depression is such a common illness but many people are still frightened to talk about it due to the reactions they fear they will get from other people. Thanks to SAHD for writing so bravely about it.
Today I felt terribly, terribly depressed. So low. Again. Stupid f**king depression. Back again like a simultaneous knee in the balls and a drenching from an unexpected heavy rain shower. Thoughts of suicide, how and when I’d do that, mixed in with nappy changes and playing with my kids. Putting floor puzzles together and having pretend picnics with soft toys while tears are streaming from my eyes.
T asked me why I was crying. I told him I wasn’t very well. He cuddled me and told me he loved me. He told me giving him some cheese would make me feel better. He sang the theme tune to ‘Thomas and Friends’, and then took some of our toy penguins to Penguin Land in his little Cozy Coupe. He told me Penguin Land would make me happy. He told me giving him a custard cream would also make me happy.
It made me smile. But it also made me feel terribly guilty. Why do my poor children have to see me like this? Why can’t I hold it together? For them? Why are things so tough right now?
Let me think. Why could I be feeling this way?
I have a history of depression.
I’m in a very confused place emotionally and I’m experiencing some good times, which are counterbalanced by some heavy shit. It’s ups and downs.
I haven’t been looking after myself.
I’m not living in a ‘home’ of my own at the moment.
I don’t feel able to feel a feeling without feeling that feeling isn’t actually feeling that feeling.
I’m confused. And I’ve just confused myself even more by writing the previous sentence.
I’m going through a divorce.
A few years ago I discussed my depression with Dr B. She suggested that it’s quite simple. One is allowed to be, merely through a physical inability to produce the correct amount of serotonin or whatever it is, to keep your mood right. Do everything else you need to do and let the drugs do the bit you physically cannot do.
So take antidepressants to keep levels topped up because your body is shit and doesn’t work right. And see counsellors and psychotherapists to talk about the stuff no-one else wants to listen to.
I’m a glass half empty kinda guy.
Is this what I have to do for the rest of my life? Is this Life? I feel a failure every time I take an antidepressant, which I have to do every day. I feel a failure from the moment I wake up because I have to take my medication when I wake up. I wonder why I find life such a struggle when I have two beautiful children in front of me and I feel a failure as I shouldn’t feel like this. Surely I should get something from seeing them play, learn and knock seven bells out of each other? The feeling that I’m not a failure. The feeling that I am good, have done something amazing, and will continue to be a positive influence on their lives. I wonder about…
I wonder if you feel anything when the train hits you?
I wonder if, it was as easy to buy a gun as it seems to be in the US, I’d still be alive.
I wonder if it’s easier to just stop. What would I leave behind? People would be better off without me dragging them down. People would be able to move on. People would be free of me. And I’d be free of this. As, the best I have to look forward to is a lifetime of managing it, keeping my head above water, keeping myself from killing myself. And then I’ll die anyway.
I looked at my children and thought how much better off they’d be without me. I wondered if they would suffer from any feelings of loss. What would happen when they grow up? What would be said? How would my sudden disappearance be explained?
And then it hit me. Pretty much like a train hits you, I imagine.
I HAVE to be there for them. I don’t ever want them to feel like I feel, even for one minute. Perhaps they might if I killed myself? Perhaps they might think, at some point in their lives, he didn’t love us enough to carry on? And I wouldn’t be there to say to them ‘But I did love you. With every cell. That’s not why!’ Perhaps they might have moments in their life when they feel depressed? School work getting on top of them. Pressures of life. Relationships. Stuff that drags you down. And I want to be the one that picks them up. Always. And, until I die of natural causes or something freaky like a satellite falling on my head, I will be.
I know something’s not right and I’m off to the GP who thinks I’m buff again tomorrow. If not for a review of my medication then at least for an ego boost.I’ll wear aftershave.
If you have been feeling depressed, or simply ‘just not right’ then visit our Help with Depression page on the Netmums site. Remember that support is available.